i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
