I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
