I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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