Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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