I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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