is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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