party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
