I think I died a long time ago.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
