i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize