i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
