I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize