I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
