Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
