How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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