guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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