Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
