So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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