I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
