dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Couch. On fire.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
