I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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