so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I can't put those talents on a resume
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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