and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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