I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize