There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
