Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
