I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize