The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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