After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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