All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Randomize
