dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
