I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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