I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Duck Duck Cougar?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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