The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
