booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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