Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
