when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
