What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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