just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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