I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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