yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
