I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
