nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
