I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
