is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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