why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
