I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
