there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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