Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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