Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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