I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize