I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
