I cannot find my penis.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
