this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So gin and wine won't be happening again
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
