Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
