dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
