i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am available for nakedness
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize