why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
there is puke in my bra ... again
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
